The pouring out of the Lords Spirit

Yes. It is like we are just passing through or standing still as everyone else whirls around. like we are in a state of boredom in this world as my mind only thinks of Jesus, those who will be left, reading these websites and videos, praying and reading my bible.

My Lord, I feel the same way...Long story short. At my prior job my new boss didnt like me very much. In fact she had my role eliminated in February. Although my former boss at a new company was able to bring me on board as a "temp" after only 1 week of unemployment, I have very little desire to work or really do much of anything outside of watch, wait, pray, read and fellowship here with you all. Many feel the same way. See the "Selfishly" thread as well

Exactly, chohouston, love is it. Love is it. The true love of I Corinthians 13. Live the love of God, and let it overflow out of you to those around. Love on those kids--let them think of you as the guy that cares about them. Maybe you'll be able to share the Gospel with some of them and their parents. Jesus scored the ultimate Home Run for our team, and we are about to go Home!

Didn't know there was a song, Mike! I was just talking about the Word of God.

Thank you for writing this. It describes exactly how I feel, I mean down to the letter!

The first thing...  I didn't sincerely give my life to Jesus until 2010. Sometimes, I'm not even sure about that as there was just so much sin in my life back then. I don't think it's about that though, about how much sin is in a person's life. More so, it is about the condition of a person's heart, the genuineness, the sincerity of wanting to do right by Him. Since 2010 I did have that, where as I never had before at any other point in my life, was just a prayer I said, and though I did mean it every time I said the prayer, the condition of my heart did not change. And so first big change for me was that. 

After that, God chipped away at me, kind of like me some sort of science project gone wrong and The Holy Spirit not knowing where in the world to start because there were just SO MANY THINGS wrong.   Good that I can laugh now, but back then, just really NOT funny, the state of my life, and all the sin in it. He did it though, not me, He. I pretty much fought Him tooth and nail the entire way. The thing was though, I wasn't willing to walk away from Him. Not this time. And so one by one, He fixed me. 

I'm not so ignorant as to think that He is finished. I'm definitely not "there" yet and don't even know that I'll be there when I get to Heaven. I used to think so. But now I think more in terms of a pregnancy, and a baby being born, then that baby as it grows and goes through so many phases, how the baby learns, grows, changes; even month to month just so different than the last. I do believe that once we are given our glorified bodies that we will sin no more. But that doesn't mean that God will be done with us yet. 

Actually, I used to think that alcohol was the last "big one" concerning sin in my life. Nuh-uh. I'm coming to realize there has been another "big one" He has been working with me on, and the fruit of His Work is really starting to show in my life. That one, that sin: pride. I'd imagine we all have problems with that one. It's just that some, more than other's, and in my family (my mother's side), take my word for it, it is BAD BAD BAD and I really do view it as a family curse (like how in the Bible it talks about sins being passed from generation to generation). Pride is it, the curse in my family, especially with the females. 

I don't know if my Grandmother ever dealt with it before dying. If so, it wasn't until the very end as she lie pretty much unconscious in her hospital bed. The woman was a nightmare (this doesn't mean I didn't love her and I still do love her). She was one of these Christians who believed that only "she" is "right with God". I remember being little and going to her house. From the time I walked in the door to the time I left...  I'd hear about the sin of every single family member, my mom, my dad, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, everyone (except myself which I would assume she saved for sharing when she wasn't talking to me). EVERYTHING was always doom and gloom...  talk of how there will soon be putting all Christians in torture camps, black vans and helicopters, and on, and on. By the time I left, I'd be thoroughly and utterly desperate feeling and depressed.

From what I gather, my Great Grandmother was the same way. She knew everything. Only "she" was saved and had a proper relationship with Jesus. 

Next, my Mother. She is an EXACT CARBON COPY of her Mother (my Grandmother). To this day, and she is just SO HARD HEADED and REFUSES to change, REFUSES to admit wrongdoing, REFUSES to acknowledge the possibility that she could be wrong...  not even a one half percent chance of her being wrong, no matter the subject matter. And so, if you "cross" her, watch out!!! Not even exaggerating, WATCH OUT, because she WILL make your life to be what seems like a living hell, she will get vengeance and exact revenge, she will badmouth you to your own children and your extended family alike. Heck, even if she doesn't have a problem with you she will do this as she is exactly like her mother, the "only one" with a direct line to Jesus, the "only one" whom is saved.

I think what it is, in her mind, because she believes that true salvation can be lost, she also must be very careful so as not to lose her own. And so...  just that I think she compensates for that very deep and very real fear inside of her...  by not acknowledging, not even a little, that she could ever be wrong, that she is capable of sin. She is like the "queen" of the family (there is no king and Dad...  I don't know...  he is like the Royal Treasury that only she is in charge of lol). Long story short, anyone whom does not agree or acquiesce is ousted from the kingdom that is our family. In fact, for whatever reason, there always HAS TO BE someone filling that role of...  I don't know...  "the bad guy". That person used to be my sister and now that person is me due to my fall from grace and because I dared to disagree, to call out sin past and present, and didn't change my opinion to conform with my Mom's, come groveling to her on hands and knees begging her for forgiveness of my treason (disagreement). 

I could go on forever and it's always been a HUGE part of my life, trying to earn my Mom's approval, trying to get the royal seal of "yes, you are good enough". What I've come to realize, is that I never will. And for the first time in my life, I'm truly at peace with that. I don't hurt so much anymore, don't spend all my time reaching for something that I will never attain because my Mom is not capable of giving. I think, that she herself, just that in a way she spent her childhood and much of her adult years also looking for that same thing from her own Mother. And she never got it. The thing is; my Grandmother, my Mother...  deep down inside they harbor deep insecurity that they themselves are not good enough for Jesus. Everything they did/do, it is because of that fear of possibly losing their Salvation. After all, if a person, no matter how hard they try, can't be "good enough" for their own parents who are supposed to be there for them and love them unconditionally no matter what; then how is it possible they would be "good enough" for God? Add to that a church which preaches one can lose Salvation and where one must go to the alter and re-give their heart to Him every single service because pretty much every sermon every service is about how every person sitting in the pews have most definitely sinned this past week and lost their Salvation, they are so horrible, terrible sinners deserving of Hell, so on, and so forth. 

Add to that "pride", a natural defense mechanism people have, a sin for sure, used for many different reasons. Such as: to feel better about oneself because deep down one feels not good enough; to praise oneself and feel "better", feel "higher", "smarter", "more worthy" than others; because it feels plain horrible being wrong and knowing that you are a sinner and you have done many things in your life that have deeply hurt others...  really hard to come to terms with that and that you have caused another person, especially one whom you love so much...  such pain and so you lie to yourself by telling yourself you didn't... didn't cause anyone pain...  didn't do anything wrong...  not ever (come on, impossible!). The biggest reason for pride: We just can't "get it", that Salvation is not about "us". It is not about what kind of parent we were/are, not about what kind of husband/wife we are, not about how often we go to the alter at church, not about how much money we give to the church or those in need (charity), and not about US being RIGHT because no matter who you are, no matter what you think you know, no matter how close to Jesus you are, no matter what...  You are and I am WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG (and say it as many times as it takes to get it through that thick skull). Salvation is not about what you do but is about what HE DOES. The ONLY thing you have to do is give it ALL to HIM (harder than it sounds, because of...  yep...  Pride). 

All of that, to say that I've been fighting God for a long time, up until this past year. I didn't even realize it. The "it" I didn't realize...  I am just like my Mother, just like my Grandmother. For so long, it was so important to me that, especially concerning my Mom, that she recognize, admit to, vocalize an apology to me, all the wrong she has done to me throughout my life, all the wrong she is still doing now. What those wrongs are, doesn't matter. And what I realize now...  even if she did come to me and give me that "good enough" stamp of approval, tell me that yes I am right. Just...  who cares? What does it matter? Because I am just as wrong as she is, refusing to let go because of past hurts that have been done to me, refusing to give it to God and let HIM do the WORK, let HIM do the Convicting of the Heart, let HIM exact justice. See, I have NO RIGHT TO. And the reason is, because "I" am wrong, am sinful, am corrupt, am not worthy. It's He who is and He is the ONLY ONE who is.

I don't want to end up like my Grandmother did, and like my Mom is (though I pray for her every day and there is still time for God to get through to her that it isn't about her and she need not worry so about being "right", about being without sin, and that it is a complete waste of time because she and everyone else 100% unworthy and 100% wrong). All she needs to do...  know that she is not worthy...  but HE IS. Stop depending upon herself and start depending on Him. In a way, believing one can lose Salvation, it equates to a works based belief. And the Bible clearly tells us that none of us are righteous, none of us deserve Him, all of us are wrong, and Jesus is the ONLY WAY. We don't have to "try" to keep our Salvation. If the condition of our heart is genuine towards Jesus and we have truly yielded all to Him...  it is automatic...  we will have so much fruit...  we will want to know Him more and more, want to read His Word more and more, want to please Him more and more, want to make Him proud of us, wanting and going after His Approval and not ANY human being's. 

I was reading last night, Matthew 10:37...   He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Really, that entire chapter, about family and those close to us and how they end up being our greatest foes if we don't love properly, don't love Him First, love Him More. And to seek His Approval, not any man's. That right there, is what matters! 

I don't know for sure if this is the time, if He is coming...  like NOW! What I do know for sure, I have never in my life been so focused on Him. And it's not like I made a conscious choice to. It just happened. I could care less about the things of this world. I wasn't really excited like I usually am, to go to the beach. It's difficult to get across, the way I feel, because it is not depression. It's the opposite! I've never felt so joyful, so at peace, felt such anticipation and excitement! And the best part of it is, it has NOTHING to do with me! I could care less about me. I could care less about being "right". It's like I'm letting go of this world, like my spirit just knows it is time to let go because something else is coming. He is coming! And He is so much better than anything down here. 

I used to have to force myself to open His Word. Once I made myself, I was good. But just that there always seemed to be so many other things, other things that took precedence...  family, work, watch a movie, tv, read a book, clean up, go outside, go shopping, go on vacation, etc...  Always a reason to not focus on Him. Now though, and it is so crazy because I honestly have no idea what changed; but it is the opposite and I have to force myself away from Him so I can make time for my family, for work, for all the rest. He is so Awesome!

And thus concludes, my book of the day that goes way off topic from whatever the thread is about. Sorry. I can't help it. 

Amen to that brother! *hugs*