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Post by boymaker99 on Dec 26, 2022 16:53:42 GMT -6
This is hard to write.
I have four grown sons. Being a mother was all that I ever wanted. I loved those boys with my entire life.
My husband of 32 years is Super Dad. He has done so much for our kids. Since I am disabled, he did everything with them that I couldn't.
They are now 21. 23. 25 and 29.
Our eldest recently married and as his wife doesn't care for us, we barely see him.
Our three youngest live at home, and do not do chores unless asked, pay nothing towards the house or food, and all work full time.
We have asked them to help more than once. Last year, my husband had a veritable nervous breakdown because of the condition of the house, their selfishness, and their lack of maturity. They promised many things and did very few.
I am not a perfect mother. I have a temper. I talk too much. I am very sensitive.
But I did not deserve to be completely overlooked by all three sons for Christmas. Not even an acknowledgment. My husband received the same pair of headphones they got him last year.
This isn't about Christmas. This is about the fact that even the world gives gifts to those it doesn't care about at Christmas, but our children are so used to taking from us, that they didn't care.
I can't write more because it all seems redundant.
My children, who have been invested in beyond anything I have ever seen, are hard hearted against us.
Because this was the cherry on the cake of years of unmet expectations, things blew up.
We have asked them to move out by the end of next year. We cancelled all plans with them including a vacation and moving out of state together.
I never saw this coming.
We need prayer to be able to forgive them because we have been forgiven.
We need to know how to move forward. We need to know how to deal with this situation. Since we've prayed for healing for years, to no avail, we hope that God opens doors for us to move on.
Thank you.
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Post by inaweofhim on Dec 27, 2022 0:11:25 GMT -6
This is hard to write. I have four grown sons. Being a mother was all that I ever wanted. I loved those boys with my entire life. My husband of 32 years is Super Dad. He has done so much for our kids. Since I am disabled, he did everything with them that I couldn't. They are now 21. 23. 25 and 29. Our eldest recently married and as his wife doesn't care for us, we barely see him. Our three youngest live at home, and do not do chores unless asked, pay nothing towards the house or food, and all work full time. We have asked them to help more than once. Last year, my husband had a veritable nervous breakdown because of the condition of the house, their selfishness, and their lack of maturity. They promised many things and did very few. I am not a perfect mother. I have a temper. I talk too much. I am very sensitive. But I did not deserve to be completely overlooked by all three sons for Christmas. Not even an acknowledgment. My husband received the same pair of headphones they got him last year. This isn't about Christmas. This is about the fact that even the world gives gifts to those it doesn't care about at Christmas, but our children are so used to taking from us, that they didn't care. I can't write more because it all seems redundant. My children, who have been invested in beyond anything I have ever seen, are hard hearted against us. Because this was the cherry on the cake of years of unmet expectations, things blew up. We have asked them to move out by the end of next year. We cancelled all plans with them including a vacation and moving out of state together. I never saw this coming. We need prayer to be able to forgive them because we have been forgiven. We need to know how to move forward. We need to know how to deal with this situation. Since we've prayed for healing for years, to no avail, we hope that God opens doors for us to move on. Thank you. I am praying for you and your family, dear sister. |
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Post by mike on Dec 27, 2022 9:09:26 GMT -6
Dear sister, If you dont mind me replying with hopeful words of encouragement. As I read your post, my heart hurts for you. I can relate in some ways to this as before I knew the Lord and even now knowing Him, I often find myself doing things for myself and in retrospect have neglected those I love and care for. As I was reading this morning I was in Proverbs 27 (I try to read Psalms & Proverbs in addition to 'normal' reading/study, today being the 27th I am on ch. 27). 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Your and your husbands rebuke is most likely warranted and likely long overdue. It is obvious to me having some conversation with you over the years here that you love your boys (BOYMAKER  ) but they are no longer boys as in children. They are grown ups for the most part and now need to be treated as such. Although you are pained but the decision to have them leave in a year, it is probably the best thing for them. However if it were done in anger they may think you do hate them, and perhaps the more with you always doing and providing for them. I hope this doesnt wound you but I am a friend and want you to be blessed in your walk with the Lord. Things that are close to home like this can extremely painful. I do not think the Lord has not heard your prayers, rather the answer you hoped to have is not the method He would have you take due to the condition of their hearts. Our God does not do things the way we think He should but gives us His word to help us understand the outcome should be reflecting in His word. Paul was a wicked sinner and maybe someone prayed for him to change his ways, perhaps even his mother. The means God used to get his attention is not what I would pray for but God got his attention. Stick to your decision, but over time please ensure they know you love them and having them responsible for themselves is the best thing you could do for them. Heavenly Father - we bring this situation to You for our dear sister and her husband. May You grant them grace during this time of trial in their lives. May Your peace rest upon their hearts as they have been hurt and do hurt over the consequences of their sons wrongdoing. Please cause the young men to soften over this time and may their hearts be open to You Lord. They are currently under judgment of things not going well for them as they have not honored their father & mother. Cause their eyes to be opened to truth. Not their own truth, but Your sole objective truth that never varies or changes. May they see the error of their ways and begin to change the way they think. Please have mercy on them for they are young. Please open doors for them to be able to move out and move on with their lives outside of their childhood home. We thank You Lord for You hear us when we call out to You! |
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Post by boymaker99 on Dec 27, 2022 14:26:28 GMT -6
Thank you so much.
I praise God for my children. I believe that He will take over their life lessons in my absence.
My youngest declared his desire to go to seminary and become a Christian counselor this month!
They are all clanging cymbals who can quote Scripture but have no love.
This situation is absolutely illogical.
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Post by yardstick on Dec 27, 2022 18:58:53 GMT -6
This is hard to write. I have four grown sons. Being a mother was all that I ever wanted. I loved those boys with my entire life. My husband of 32 years is Super Dad. He has done so much for our kids. Since I am disabled, he did everything with them that I couldn't. They are now 21. 23. 25 and 29. Our eldest recently married and as his wife doesn't care for us, we barely see him. Our three youngest live at home, and do not do chores unless asked, pay nothing towards the house or food, and all work full time. We have asked them to help more than once. Last year, my husband had a veritable nervous breakdown because of the condition of the house, their selfishness, and their lack of maturity. They promised many things and did very few. I am not a perfect mother. I have a temper. I talk too much. I am very sensitive. But I did not deserve to be completely overlooked by all three sons for Christmas. Not even an acknowledgment. My husband received the same pair of headphones they got him last year. This isn't about Christmas. This is about the fact that even the world gives gifts to those it doesn't care about at Christmas, but our children are so used to taking from us, that they didn't care. I can't write more because it all seems redundant. My children, who have been invested in beyond anything I have ever seen, are hard hearted against us. Because this was the cherry on the cake of years of unmet expectations, things blew up. We have asked them to move out by the end of next year. We cancelled all plans with them including a vacation and moving out of state together. I never saw this coming. We need prayer to be able to forgive them because we have been forgiven. We need to know how to move forward. We need to know how to deal with this situation. Since we've prayed for healing for years, to no avail, we hope that God opens doors for us to move on. Thank you. I am praying for you and your family, dear sister. me too! |
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Post by sawdy on Dec 29, 2022 22:31:53 GMT -6
mike had written such a lovely prayer, I prayed his prayer as well. The challenges are tough and I can understand how you feel about the gifts. My son (16) hasn't returned home yet and although he briefly asked about gift ideas on a budget (I told him some options), we never received anything from him. Not that I expected a gift, but I was hoping for acknowledgement via text when I texted him when I dropped off his presents, or possibly a thank you text on Christmas when he opened them, or at least a Merry Christmas text. As he is on his own now, I didn't chide him or bring to light his lack of etiquette. Trying to let things be and just move forward. Although your situation might not have been the way you had intended for things to happen, I pray that you are able to move forward and be firm in your needs but still supportive as a mom to your boys. It is so easy for us to end up in a situation where we are underappreciated or even verbally abused by our sons. I have to remind myself that I wouldn't put up with that behavior that my son showed to me from a spouse, so why did I let him treat me in the manner he did? Maybe instead of the family vacation, you take a vacation with only your spouse this next year. Maybe even sooner than you planned to give you and your husband a bit of time away from your home and the situation.
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Post by mike on Dec 31, 2022 10:12:16 GMT -6
mike had written such a lovely prayer, I prayed his prayer as well. The challenges are tough and I can understand how you feel about the gifts. My son (16) hasn't returned home yet and although he briefly asked about gift ideas on a budget (I told him some options), we never received anything from him. Not that I expected a gift, but I was hoping for acknowledgement via text when I texted him when I dropped off his presents, or possibly a thank you text on Christmas when he opened them, or at least a Merry Christmas text. As he is on his own now, I didn't chide him or bring to light his lack of etiquette. Trying to let things be and just move forward. Although your situation might not have been the way you had intended for things to happen, I pray that you are able to move forward and be firm in your needs but still supportive as a mom to your boys. It is so easy for us to end up in a situation where we are underappreciated or even verbally abused by our sons. I have to remind myself that I wouldn't put up with that behavior that my son showed to me from a spouse, so why did I let him treat me in the manner he did? Maybe instead of the family vacation, you take a vacation with only your spouse this next year. Maybe even sooner than you planned to give you and your husband a bit of time away from your home and the situation. Great idea Sawdy. Thank you for the kind words. Go away with your hubby boymaker99! |
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Post by boymaker99 on Jan 23, 2023 14:18:49 GMT -6
Thank you, brothers and sisters, for sharing encouragement and praying for us.
Sometimes God changes the other person, and sometimes He changes us.
I am changing.
I had asked God to show me my heart so that there is nothing I have not addressed. What He showed me was my idolatry.
I had put my children before everything in my life, including God.
After much thought, and having to take those thoughts captive and force them higher than what is natural to me, I concluded that this was our mistake.
We left our families when our eldest was 4 to move 2300 miles away. So my children did not grow up with family around. My husband and I explained to them that our families weren't healthy and that we moved to give our kids the best chance of growing up without those problems (abuse and addiction).
And they did see that we were truthful. All of their interactions with our families have been underwhelming.
So for thirty years, we thought that we were making a home for ourselves in our children's hearts. We thought that we would be a patriarch and matriarch of this family and that we would very much be in one another's lives. We imagined attending church together, and having a big Sunday dinner. There was this vision that we had, based upon our roles in our child's hearts.
We never expected that they wouldn't want us in those roles. We never expected to be put on the back burner and tossed a cookie here and there. So we were very destabilized.
We can't demand that they feel a certain way about us. And we don't want the relationship that they are offering.
So what we have decided is to build a life that doesn't center around them, and to enjoy one another more. I have become very involved with church and new friendships. My husband is being very kind to me through this (he usually is, tho) because he came to this conclusion a year ago and I wasn't seeing it.
God showed me my heart like I asked, and it was very wrong. Then it was broken. Now it is trying to not be an idol factory.
God is good.
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) but they are no longer boys as in children. They are grown ups for the most part and now need to be treated as such. Although you are pained but the decision to have them leave in a year, it is probably the best thing for them. However if it were done in anger they may think you do hate them, and perhaps the more with you always doing and providing for them.
